How To Release Guilt From Living With Chronic Pain
After living with chronic pain for over a decade, I have come to realize that the most suffocating part of the daily struggle to maintain a “normal”, balanced lifestyle is dealing with the underlying feeling of what felt like chronic guilt.
“I STARTED TO QUESTION MYSELF - AM I JUST NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH? MAYBE IT IS MY FAULT.”
If you’re living with chronic pain, chances are you are more than familiar with the all too overwhelming thoughts and feelings of guilt that emerge from too many canceled plans with friends and family, needing to stay in bed all day, not being able to take care of household chores, not being able to financially contribute to your household, and behaving unpredictably - because our pain is oftentimes unpredictable.
It’s important to begin by asking ourselves why we feel guilty. What is guilt? How can we release these unhelpful thoughts and loosen the grip that guilt has on us? At the end of the day, the added stress that guilt creates affects our mental health which in turn affects our physical health and, in some cases, creates more physical pain.
What is guilt?
Guilt is an emotional experience where we feel responsible for an action (or inaction) that we regret, such as compromising when it comes to our own standards or social standards. However, there are many branches of guilt such as feeling unworthy, ashamed, and embarrassed - all of which are relevant and sometimes difficult to avoid when living with chronic pain.
Holding onto feeling guilty for situations that are out of our control wastes the precious energy that we have. Feeling guilty is unproductive and can be extremely harmful if left unchecked. It can create needless blocks to the relationships in our lives, as we tend to withdraw from situations that we anticipate will make us experience more negative thoughts and emotions, leaving us feeling smaller than we already do, especially in a world that seems to glorify being busy. This creates unnecessary stress, both mentally and physically.
Why do we feel guilty?
For the longest time, I would constantly worry about all the things, big or small, that I couldn’t do, all the meetups that I had to cancel, and all the other little things that I couldn’t follow through with. The most damaging thing I would do was hold all of these feelings inside. I didn’t share these thoughts with anyone. I feared being pitied, or perhaps people would think I was just making up excuses. But I slowly realised the main reason I didn’t express my feelings of guilt was that I felt that, on some level, it served as some form of punishment which (I hoped) would remind and motivate me to “do better” somehow.
“We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are.”
The day came when I realized that all I was feeling was guilt, and I was so, so tired of it. Only when it became unbearable did I finally share my feelings with my partner, only to realize that the false stories I was telling myself weren’t true at all. My partner didn’t see me as a burden and the simple act of communicating how I was feeling was actually relief enough. It wasn’t the actions of others that made me feel guilty but the internal dialogue I was maintaining in my mind.
Actionable Tools To Practice
Multiple studies on the link between gratitude and well-being conducted by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., shows that gratitude increases happiness, reducing a host of other negative emotions, balancing out our emotional biochemistry.
1. Practice gratitude - make a list of things you’re grateful for
With all the fluff content out there about self-care, you’re probably rolling your eyes a little at this one. What has gratitude got to do with guilt?
The easiest way to start your journey is by accepting the situation for what it is and trying to appreciate all the good. It’s free and you can do this anytime, anywhere, either in your head or by writing it down. Your list can be as long or short as you like.
For example, I’m grateful for what my experience with chronic pain has taught me, not just about myself, but also about others, and of the world in general. Through my quest for seeking out new information and ways to soothe and rid the pain, I have discovered lots of new things, many of which I would not have come across if not for living with chronic pain.
“It seems clear, in any case, that in developing our personal health and wellness plans, we cannot afford to overlook the biochemical impacts that our emotional lives are likely to have on our physical experiences and outcomes.”
2. Meditate - by yourself or follow a guided meditation
Meditating is not about trying not to think or sitting for hours on end with a blank mind. The goal of meditation is to create space and a sort of detachment to your thoughts and emotions - to cultivate inner stillness and to create awareness. Our thoughts are usually on autopilot, and oftentimes we have emotional responses to them, create unhealthy attachments, and identify too strongly with our thoughts and feelings, such as guilt.
During meditation, a thought may arise that makes us feel guilty - maybe it’s something we couldn’t do. Our natural response may be to feel disappointed in ourselves, feel small, and start to think of “could haves”. Instead, try to experience your thoughts from a third-party perspective.
If you are new to meditating, start out by practicing for only a minute or two at a time. Sit or lie comfortably, close your eyes and notice the thoughts that arise - without judgment, then notice the next thought, acknowledge it for what it is and then drop it.
3. Communicate - don’t hold it all in!
Living with chronic pain affects our relationships by making us want to withdraw and avoid things. We may find ourselves less inclined to deal with difficult emotions, as chronic pain is already emotionally draining enough as it is. We tend to get used to this kind of behavior and before you know it, avoiding conversations about your pain becomes second nature as we downplay how bad we’re feeling to avoid disappointing people or making them worry.
The simple act of talking is extremely underestimated. Sharing how you feel and expressing your fears is crucial. Not just to alleviate guilt, but also to release general feelings of tension and stress. It’s natural to overdramatize and exaggerate how we assume others feel about us, especially when it comes to thinking that we’re nothing but burdens. The feedback and differing perspectives we receive from others play a huge role in changing our internal states.
“IN THE OVERALL SCHEME OF EMOTIONS, GUILT IS IN THE GENERAL CATEGORY OF NEGATIVE FEELING STATES. IT’S ONE OF THE “SAD” EMOTIONS, WHICH ALSO INCLUDE AGONY, GRIEF, AND LONELINESS”
It would be impossible to live a life that is completely guilt-free even if we did not suffer from chronic pain, but it is entirely possible and essential to practice developing an awareness to our thoughts and internal dialogue, if we wish to thrive instead of just survive.
Do you live with a chronic illness? What are your biggest struggles, and how do you cope? Let me know in the comments below!
